I think I’m okay to talk about it now. It’s such a weird topic in today’s society and will no doubt come off as a bit of a shock to most people, but that’s cuz not too many are educated on it. I think I wanna help change that. I’m hesitant… Not to help try and change the way people see this, but taking on that main role. Not too many individuals “come out” to the internet where they have thousands watching and reading their stuff everyday, to share something like this.. there being a huge chance people won’t understand. Which they won’t. You won’t. Unless we share the same experiences… But I’m putting myself out there anyway. I want people to stop harassing and abusing people over this. I want people like myself to know they can be who they are. I used to have a separate YouTube channel dedicated to talking about this back in 2008. I thought it would help me but I really didn’t like talking about it. Still don’t. But I want to now, even though it’s frustrating to try and deal with the close-minded folks who can’t see past someone’s surface. People need to start being more humane, have feelings. And stop worrying, we’re all misunderstood.
I’ve read numerous posts and whatever else people put on the internet, about me and what they THINK they know about my past life and I’d just like to say that 98% of it is inaccurate. I know they know that, but I’d just like to clear that up for you. It’s like one of those messages you pass along to the person next to you in a circle, and by the time it gets around to the last person, the message is all screwed up. All they’ve done is gather information they’ve read from random sources. They don’t know me. You can’t write a biography about someone without talking to them. You know nothing.
Honestly, the easiest way to put it, regardless of all the terms that are used today… I was born in the wrong body. I was born physically female. But that’s not who I am or who I ever was on the inside. The term clinically used is “transgender” but it’s such a mis-used word and I don’t use it to describe myself cuz I feel put into a category when life already threw me into the wrong one.
Your gender and your sex are two different things. Gender is between your ears (your brain) and sex is between your legs. When you’re being developed, your brain and your body are on the same track. You develop a body that would match your brain. Usually, your sex matches your gender. Usually, you are born happy with your given sex because it matches your gender. Usually. Okay…picture yourself in the body of the opposite sex. Don’t think about it, picture it. That body doesn’t match up to your brain, does it? If you’re a girl, do you like the idea of having a deep voice, masculine features, hairy body, etc? If you’re a boy, would you live your life as a female? Your own set of breasts, high voice, small body, etc?
Your body is here to hold the person you are inside it. It doesn’t matter what changes on your body, whether it’s your hair colour, length, if you have a piercing, get a tattoo, whether you break a bone, lose a limb…. who you are will always be who you are. Your body is always changing anyway. How do you know if you’re a girl or a boy? You don’t need to look down to figure it out.
It’s not just that you would feel awkward, it’s the role you’re expected to play, even the name you’re given. I don’t get why people deny transgender as possible, there are lots of things that go wrong when a baby is being developed, what makes you think something like this can’t happen? It’s another physical birth defect. You can’t tell someone who they are inside. You aren’t them. Just like someone can’t tell you who you are. This jumps into the whole “you can’t help the way you are born” so I don’t understand why people think it’s hilarious to point fun at someone who’s unhappy with their body. Or in any situation. And in this one… it’s not just the life I’m living but myself to the core. Unhappy. Looking into the mirror and seeing a completely different person. My whole life. How does one express themselves when they don’t even see themselves?
Most of my life I wasn’t living. I could get into details of emotion… but not right now. “Being lead through someone else’s life I was given” almost sounds like a fucking joy ride, so that waters it down way too much, but it felt like all I could do was watch. Make no sound. Just watch. When you’re born all lined up, you don’t know what it’s like to have to try and convince someone you’re a boy when your body says girl (or convince someone you’re a girl when your body says boy.) Consider yourself lucky. I was afraid to speak up and say “I’m a boy.” I knew how society worked, I knew it sounded foolish to say opposite of what people saw. Like pointing at Green and saying it’s Red. Or better yet, pointing at Pink and saying it’s Blue. You don’t know what it’s like to try and explain to your Mom that you aren’t her daughter, you’re her son. To have her look you in the eye and reject you over and over, fight with you about the way you feel. For years, having her basically tell you that you aren’t who you really are. Hearing the words from your Dad that he would never see you as his son. To have your family against you when it’s something you can’t even help. Having a bad relationship with all of them cuz they see you differently than you see yourself. It’s like a huge joke life played, except it’s not even close to being funny. If it was up to me, I wouldn’t have chose this. Who would? Who would want to feel like this? People have insecurities as it is, but mine is my entire being… insecure about the person other people in the world would see me as. Granted, I’ve done my best to present myself how I feel, and I don’t mind how I look at the moment…but underneath it all, I’m not comfortable.
But I’m also not afraid to be who I am. Which is why I’m now open about this. It’s really nobody’s business but my own, but it’s my choice to make it public for this reason…. Thousands of people like me commit suicide every year because of harassment and being completely unhappy with their body.
I was pretty low and unhappy in highschool because of harassment. All I ever did was let the boy I am step out. I mean no harm to anyone, probably one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. I’m nice to everyone unless you give me a reason not to be. Not to slap myself with compliments but I won’t be an unnecessary jerk. I like to give and make people laugh. Just take people’s mind off everything and give them something to watch to do so. My craziness. But it’s hard to cope going somewhere that makes you even more uncomfortable than you already are in your own skin… I won’t get into absolutely everything I dealt with, but I was harassed to the point I couldn’t stand going to school, left and found alternatives elsewhere. I’m sure if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be here today… I couldn’t deal with everyone else’s bullshit and how they thought I should live my life on top of having no family support at home, on top of not being comfortable in my body…where am I supposed to feel safe?
YouTube has truly helped me feel like I can be myself and be accepted. Be crazy and not have to worry what people think because they don’t know my “history” or past to alter what they thought. This might change a little now that people will get a dip into where I come from, what I’ve gone through and what has made me the girl I am today. But hopefully this will also maybe shine a light into someone’s life and let you know you’re not alone, that there are options and ways to help you live your life fully and be who you are, regardless of what life presented you at birth. I encourage everyone to be who they are and I wanna help give people the strength to do that. Maybe this will show you, truly how much I don’t care what other people think of me, not even my parents, and that I’ll continue to be me. Always. Maybe if I can do it, you can.
Whether I like it or not…
The next time you think the way someone else has to live their life is amusing, put yourself in their shoes. Listen to their experiences, hear what they have to say about what they go through because everyone has struggles and some, as you just read, are out-of-this-world different. Situations like the one I’m in bring so many people to suicide and I want to help stop that by reducing the amount of hate we get over it. When people don’t understand something, they either make fun of it or get mad at it. Hopefully I can make a stand and help both sides. There’s still everything I didn’t say in this post that you don’t know about, but maybe I’ll share it with you at a later date. I’d like to think this first revealing shows some courage and bravery
peace fam.